On one of our many trips to call roller derby, our handlers (Fari$ Hero and Will the Thrill) decided to film the adventure.
This particular trip was down to Evansville Indiana to call for Demolition City. Brownie and I have been calling for Demoliton City for 3 seasons now. This is on top of our original gig for the Naptown Roller Girls and other teams here and there.
The trip to Evansville from Indianapolis is a magic one. You can’t drive straight through. You start off heading south and then you have to catch a special “Harry Potter” road, I think its interstate 62 and 2/3rds. Then at the 4th rest stop you need to buy a bottle of unicorn tears and put it in your radiator. That helps your car not over heat when you make your 2nd pass around the sun. Then head south some more and you will reach Evansville. Anyway here is the 15 minute documentary. Fari$ had the forsight to edit out the drugs, prostitution, nudity (for the most part) and some other stuff. This isn’t an actual story, just random parts of a great trip.
WARNING: Today’s panel was rough. 8 panels to start with so realistically this is the “9th Panel”. We will still call it the “3rd” panel. We can let the technicalities of it all be our little secret. Our dirty, dirty little secret. Speaking of uncomfortable, the end result is equally as rough, well at least Faris’ is. I will let you ‘the reader’ decide. We can’t let concern for public safety change what comes out of our artistic minds. I believe, however, that Faris may have won this round. FARIS DILL
Kerri = Date Karli = Heartland Pictures rep (this is to help guide you through my ramblings.)
Last night was the premiere of Rob Reiners film “Flipped”. It happened right here in good old Indianapolis.
Our friend Karli asked if Joan and I wanted to go. Karli is now working for Heartland Films as a promotions person, or something like that. Anyway I wanted to go. Joan had practice and her Roller Derby dedication can never ever be questioned as she said she couldn’t miss practice. Naptown does have regionals coming up so I get it but Rob Reiner = Spinal Tap, Princess Bride, Sleepless in Seattle, he was in an old Batman episode, check out Rob’s IMDB Page. Hell while our at it, check out my IMDB listing. Yeah, I am famous.
Soooooooo any way, I needed a date. What better date then Jane Ire’s wife Kerri. I could almost guarantee that my charm and wit would not influence her to put me in an uncomfortable situation when we got to the “goodnight end of date kiss”. We will get to that later.
Besides seeing a Rob Reiner film at a Red Carpet event, my intentions were to get him or someone famous to wear my hat. I was not disappointed. The night was filled with stars like John Mahoney – Frasier’s Dad ,Aidin Quinn, Anthony Edwards, and many more… I saw local icon Patty Spitler. I am sure I didn’t recognize half of the people I should.
The night started out hotter than balls. Kerri and I made our way to will call and found not only our tickets but, the Hilbert Circle Theater on the circle had this new fangled thing called “Air Conditioning” . I am sure it is just a fad but we stayed in the little entry way as long as we could.
Karli was doing interviews of famous people for Heartland films and she wanted to interview “local influencial people”. Cool. So I had my first Red Carpet Interview.
Karli from Heartland Films interviews Dill Hero
She also Interviewed my hat. That interview was much shorter.
We noticed that some of the guests had tiny little coke bottles and were drinking them like they were going out of style. In fact, they did go out of style before we got inside. No cokes for us. Damn. We did get free popcorn and that ruled so much. The popcorn was much needed as we hiked to the 3rd floor to take our seats. We had the best seats in the house. 2 seats on the side without anyone squeezed around us. I apologized ,in advance, to the lady sitting in front of us for any crying or overall emotional break downs I may have if the movie went that way.
After some intros and an introduction to the cast the movie began. I had been unsuccessful in any famous people wearing my hat at this point so we settled in to watch the movie. I was also watching the clock. You see, Indianapolis has a tradition of towing that goes way back. My meter said it was free for me to park from 6pm – 9pm. The movie had started late and my time was running out. at 8:50 (about 20 minutes before the film ended) I had to go. I went to my car and up on a post , facing the way I was walking, was a sign that said I was good until 11pm. The sign was only on one side and the meter clearly said 9pm but there it was. So I said screw it and went back to the movie. On the way in I noticed that the staff was setting up Hors d’œuvre Trays. I was going to help myself early and bring a couple to Kerri but they were watching me closely. I returned to my seat to Kerri’s surprise. I explained that it wouldn’t be right to leave her in an emotional movie right before the ending. I also burned up the apology I had given earlier to the Lady in front of us. The movie closed, we laughed, we cried and we hit those trays of food Hard and Heavy. I used my hat as a plate. I believe the looks I was getting were saying “what an innovative young man” or ” I wish I had a hat”.
So the night was over and still no celebrity hat wearings. So we went outside.
Earlier that evening we had noticed a blonde lady driving a kids Barbie Jeep with a tiny “I-HAUL” trailer attached to it.
dis-regard the fellows stealing the stereo
She was just driving around. As we were leaving we saw that she had set her own pink carpet. It had a little house and a backdrop. So we went over to talk to her. Guess who she was.
Jennifer Murphy …. she was on the fourth season of “The Apprentice.” Miss Oregon 2004,. She appeared in the movie , “Killer Movie” in 2009. Good enough.
She is self promoting her new thing “Illegally Blonde”.
For years, and I mean years, every Sunday, Faris and I have done what we call the 3rd panel. I wont go into why we picked family circus but we did. Recently we started using these new fangled devices called computers. No longer are the days of drawing the “3rd Panel” on a half used piece of toilet paper. No pencils no running out of ink. Welcome to the electronic age. Well here we are. For your enjoyment. Our first 2 electronic 3rd panels.
Faris’ Mine Faris Mine The Rules: 1. we cannot look at each others 3rd panel until it is done 2. Thats it.
My body is capable of drinking way more than I ever thought it was.
Lately we’ve been upping our game. Our Pre-bout is getting more intense than ever. Yesterday during a drinking, I felt like my speach was sluring, my kidneys were burning, and there was absolutely no way I could possibly hold it for another second. But I did. And then I drank another, and another, and another…
It’s been that way for the past few months. My co-announcer ask the impossible from my body, and my body surprise me by doing what is asked. I would never know what I’m capable of on my own. When I drink on my own, I do my reps, I follow what I “think” I should be doing. When I drink for derby, I do eat cheese burgers that I would never attempt, fries and bacon that seem way out of my capabilities. Only they aren’t out of my capability at all! Except I would never know that without this sport. It’s pushing me to give more and be better, for myself and my team.
Now if only the beer and cheese burgers could scream that final 10lbs on to my body…
I was on my way to the coffee shop this morning and I noticed something that has apparently been there for a while and I just never noticed. CLOWN PLAZA. It is a sign in front of a strip business office center. What in the hell is Clown Plaza? Is it where clowns have law offices and karate studios? I just don’t get it. The funny thing is this thing is close to my house. That being said, Joan of Dark (my lovely wife) is scared to death of clowns. If I were you I wouldn’t dress up as a clown on a lark and try to scare her. The joke would be on you. She isn’t the kind of girl to curl up and ask why in a whispery voice as her mind shuts down and she visits a special place that keeps her safe. She is the type of girl to beat and possibly kill what would cause her such fear. Joan of Dark – Clown Hunter. Now that would be a comic. Although I don’t think she would actually hunt clowns. Maybe Joan of Dark – Clown Defender. Well that makes her sound like the clown lawyers that would have an office in clown plaza. Hmmm.
Well whatever it would be called, it would rule so much. How do I feel about “Clown Plaza”. Well, I do not fear clowns. I have, however, feared a certain clown.
The setting: 3am, Bourbon Street, New Orleans, America. The night was dark and wet. The rain had tried in vain to clean the nights festivities away. What was left behind was a thick wet humidity. The street had turned into a grey and brown running gutter water, old cups, cigarette butts and what drunk people leave behind in gutters, soup. Gross. The rain also left behind a clown. A full blown bright make-up, big hair, red nosed, big shoe, cigarette smoking clown.This may come as a shock but My friends and I had been drinking. One of my friends looks over at this clown (who is sitting in a strip club doorway) and says, “what kind of degree do you have to have to be a clown on bourbon street.” The clown looked up with has big painted smile, exhaled and said, ” I’m going to kick your ass.” I said “you must be a sad on the inside kind of clown.” He jumped up without a squeek or any pop up flowers and the chase began. He was using humor to try and catch us. We were laughing so hard he almost caught me. All I could hear was ‘KATHWAP – KATHWAP -KATHWAP – KATHWAP’. It was the sound of giant clown shoes slapping the wet muck of Bourbon Street. Lucky for us the shoes were enoughh to slow this HELL CLOWN down. He was leaning back like you would imagine a big shoe clown running, so as not to trip over his size 42 shoes. We narrowly escaped with our lives. All this for “clowning” on this guy. get it? hahaha. sorry for that . Anyway, the moral of this story. Do Not Fuck With Bourbon Street Clowns.
We last saw that gnome was on an airplane heading to who knows where..
Well … The Gnome has become a groupie.. or a light tech. Learning Barry Tunes
Watching the show
On the Tour Bus.. Maybe Gnome has become a Tour Bus Fluzzy.. nononononono. One clue is the photo titled “Learning Barry Tunes”, There are hundreds of Barrys, Barry Williams aka Greg Brady, Dave Barry, Barry Manilow, Boo Berry, Barry White… The list is huge.
Is he working for one of them now? Did they raise his minimum wage?. Maybe he is being forced to do it.. THOSE BASTARDS..AAARRGGRHH LEAVE HIM ALONE…Bring him Back to me..